Survival Guide to Pooping at Work
If there's one thing in life that levels the playing field, it's pooping.
No one is exempt from taking a cr@p. Your friends do it, your boss does it, and even those impossibly flawless celebrities do it.
How about goddess Beyonce Knowles? Yep. Just like the rest of us mortals, she has to take a moment out of her day to sit down and drop a deuce.
That is to say - pooping is a normal and healthy thing for a human to do, and there's no logical reason to be ashamed of it.
Yet for some strange reason, going for a poop remains to be socially awkward. Especially in the workplace.
No one wants to be taking a sh!t at work, but often there's little choice in the matter. When mother nature calls, you have to answer.
So the question is: What is the etiquette for pooping at work?
At Steel Stool we're kind of experts in the dark arts of the bathroom, and have all the answers you need, right here.
HOW TO POOP AT WORK
If one goes for a poop, but no one is around to witness it, did it really happen?
The answer to that philosophical conundrum, is no. An ideal trip to the can is one where you encounter no other people.
You rarely have control over who enters the bathroom mid-splashdown, but it's always worth scouting the area prior to your visit. To maximize your chances of pooping in solitude, it's best to plan your visits for 'off-
peak' hours. Generally speaking these are:
- 9:00-10:00 am (Pre-coffee hours)
- 15:00-17:00 pm (after the post-lunch crowd)
Anonymous pooping can be further enhanced by picking a corner stall and then only leaving when the bathroom is empty. That might sound like the behavior of a crazy person, but you want to avoid catching the glare of a colleague in the bathroom mirror, at all costs. You don't want said colleague to forever be giving you the “Hey, you're the poop guy” look.
It should go without saying, but when pooping at the workplace: leave no trace. Flush the toilet, clean away skid marks, use air freshener, and leave the stall looking clean. Basic etiquette that you should know.
HOW NOT TO POOP AT WORK
What you should not do when pooping in the workplace, is a more extensive list. There isn't enough time to mention all of them, but here are a few key things you should look to avoid:
- Queue for an occupied stall. Queuing for toilets is a crime in the workplace. This isn't Giants Stadium; come back later.
- Announce you're going for a cr@p to your colleagues.
- Go to a buffet for lunch.
- Drink too much coffee.
- Grunt, moan or scream while on the toilet.
- Try to start a conversation with someone in an adjacent stall. - Poop without checking for toilet paper. (This could be catastrophic).
- There's always going to be one or two people who are walking gas bombs, but that doesn't mean farting in the workplace is acceptable. These individuals are animals, and you shouldn't look to emulate them. Take it to the bathroom, or have a fart break outside.
- A fair amount of pooping at work anxiety is normal, but don't hold or delay your poop for long periods – over time this can cause health complications like constipation and hemhorroids.
- Make each poop trip (poopgrimage?) as efficient as possible. It might seem like a good idea to spend 30 minutes sitting on the john, scrolling through your phone. But it isn't. Your colleagues aren't stupid – they know the people who vanish are just spending an inordinate amount of time sh!tting and scrolling.
- BUT, the best way to ensure each trip is as quick as possible, is by adding fiber to your diet. Fiber provides your stool with bulk, allowing for a clean, drama-free poop. This can be done conveniently using supplements like psyllium husk, or our proprietary blend called Steel Stool.